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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Adolescence / Teenagers
Teen Challenge: Questions & Answers About Popularity, Peer Pressure, and Self-Image
Parents are faced with varying
levels of challenges. For some parents, it is trying to get their teens to turn
off the light in their bedroom. Other parents are dealing with more grave matters:
drugs, sexual activity, and criminal activity. We believe the principles presented
here can be scaled up or down to fit most situations. As a supplemental resource,
this series of questions and answers provides general answers that fit a broad
range of challenges with teens. We trust you will find it of value to your unique
situation.
Question Summary
1. My teenager is starting to hang around with the wrong crowd. What can I do?
2. My teenager would do anything to be accepted by the group. Should I be worried?
3. My teenager is very popular in school, but I'm getting reports that he (or
she) is unkind to those not in the right clique. Is it my place to say anything?
4. My teenager is not the most attractive or popular person in school. She tries
to be accepted by the popular kids, but they only ridicule her. What can I do?
5. My daughter doesn't think I notice, but I'm beginning to suspect she's got
an eating disorder. How can I be sure? What can I do to help?
1. My teenager is starting
to hang around with the wrong crowd. What can I do?
The reason we never think
our kids are hanging around with a bad crowd when they're in third or fourth
grade is that those kids didn't look so bad back then. They seemed pretty normal,
though perhaps not particularly well behaved. Now, when those same kids are
sixteen or seventeen, we wonder how we could have missed it. Your child may
be hanging around with the very same kids, only now you see the glaring moral
disparity that was almost invisible before.
We get nervous when we look at these kids and see the signs of where some of
them may be headed in terms of the trouble they could potentially get into.
We know we don't want our kids to go there. But from the child's perspective,
nothing's changed. These are still the same kids they've always hung around
with.
Any approach you take to attempt to lead your teen away from these peers must
rely on the power of your relationship with your teen. You need to sit down
and have an honest talk about the types of behavior that are right for your
family. If your family has established a common moral stance, you can appeal
to that. Point out some of the more dangerous aspects of particular lifestyles.
Hopefully your teen will agree with you that there is a disparity between what
those friends are like and what your family stands for and will see the need
to make a break.
But don't do it in time of crisis. When your teen says, "Mom, can I go
over to Matt's house today because we're going to spend the weekend together?"
that's not the time to say, "No, I don't like Matt." Your timing is
probably as important in these conversations as the words you use. When talking
about any important issue with your teen, make sure you operate in periods of
nonconflict.
Keep the concept of substitution over suppression in mind. If you're going to
attempt to suppress a relationship, make sure you're ready to substitute something
in its place. If you're going to tell your teen that these are not the best
kids for her to hang around with, you'd better be establishing relationships
with families that have great kids. Provide a natural alternative. You simply
can't cut off relationships in your kids' lives without providing a substitution.
Sit down with your teen and have a talk. Ask her what qualities draw her to
these friends. Then ask how she feels these qualities and these friends are
going to help her reach her goals in life. As kids get into the teen years,
you want them to come to their own conclusions. You provide guidance, but you
don't make the decisions for them. It's so much better for your teen to say,
"Yeah, maybe this guy really isn't the best one for me to hang around with,"
than for you to dictate that to her. When your teen realizes for herself that
someone is a bad influence, she'll be more willing to break off that relationship.
But if you dictate with your authority, you're just asking for strife.
2. My teenager would
do anything to be accepted by the group. Should I be worried?
Sometimes it's a good thing
to want to be accepted by the group. Peer pressure isn't always bad. If it's
a positive group, with values you agree with, then it may be applying positive
peer pressure on your child. He may clean up some behaviors just because of
his new friends. There are personality, temperament, and love language variables
that may make your teenager predisposed to want to be accepted by or close to
a group. However, if you're pretty sure that isn't the case with your teen,
you should try to determine what it is that is motivating him to want so badly
to be accepted by this group. We all need to feel accepted and appreciated.
But if a teen is willing to do nearly anything to be accepted, it may be cause
for alarm. Help your teenager evaluate exactly why this is so important in his
life that he's willing to compromise who he is to be accepted by them.
You may find that this is really a need for more time with Dad or an indication
that you've got an independent family as opposed to an interdependent one. Or
there may be some deficiency in the child's self-perception. If he feels that
his own identity will be enhanced by just being friends with these people, then
you as his parent need to deal with the root issue (the lack he feels in his
own self) rather than the symptoms.
3. My teenager is very
popular in school, but I'm getting reports that he (or she) is unkind to those
not in the right clique. Is it my place to say anything?
It's always your place as
a mom or dad to be a moral compass. This behavior, if true, calls for correction.
Correction simply means "putting back on track." This situation does
not necessarily call for discipline. It may be more appropriate to provide moral
correction. Point out how his actions may be hurting others. Isn't it wonderful
that your teenager is well accepted? If you have a child like this, you have
the opportunity to instill graciousness and empathy. Teach your popular teen
to reach out in kindness and gentleness to those who don't have everything he
has. A teen who is friendly to those who are less popular is attractive in a
way that transcends nice looks, clothes, and teeth.
4. My teenager is not
the most attractive or popular person in school. She tries to be accepted by
the popular kids, but they only ridicule her. What can I do?
Usually when your teen desires
acceptance by a certain group, it's saying more about your teen than about the
group. The key question is why your teen feels she has to be accepted by this
particular group. Sit down and talk with her. Ask her what it is this group
offers that she desires. What would she gain if she were accepted by this group,
and what would it mean about her if she weren't? Listen for clues about what
she feels she's lacking that she thinks this group would provide. That's where
you should focus your efforts to help your daughter.
The hard truth is that life is not fair. Not everyone will like your child.
Young people can be terribly cruel to one another. If this group is rejecting
your daughter, it may also be because of insecurities of their own, because
confident people welcome new friends easily. Take this opportunity to gently
teach your child. Rejection hurts. Right now she's feeling like the outcast.
But that won't always be the case. Help her to understand that she will often
be in a position of accepting or rejecting others. Now that she knows how awful
rejection feels, she can determine to reach out to others in the future. Have
her seek friends from outside the "in" group. She may find that there
are more neat kids outside the group than inside.
5. My daughter doesn't think I notice, but I'm beginning to suspect she's
got an eating disorder. How can I be sure? What can I do to help?
Eating disorders are serious
business. There are specialists in this area who can give you information that
will allow you to evaluate and attempt to understand the problem. Good information
is also available on the Internet. The first step is to get educated. If after
you've learned a bit, your suspicions seem to be confirmed, consider taking
her to a specialist.
Eating disorders usually have at their root a sense that the young person has
failed to be accepted by people who are close to her, especially her father.
If your daughter is showing signs of an eating disorder, Dad needs to get more
involved, if at all possible. It is amazing what one bicycle ride, one walk
in the park, or one trip to the mall with Dad can do for a daughter who is developing
symptoms of any of these disorders.
Dad, pick up a copy of Along the Virtuous Way, and read the chapter titled "The
Father's Mandate." It illustrates a child's need for a healthy relationship
with Dad and gives practical ideas for how to build one with your children.
In a case like this, parents need to concentrate on purposefully expressing
their unconditional acceptance of their teen. If they realize they haven't been
extending unconditional acceptance, then that's where they need to start working.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
