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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Toddlers
The Boundaries of Play
Does childhood play have limits?
What do parents need to know? Play has developmental, emotional, intellectual,
moral, and gender limits.
Developmental Limits
The technical word among clinicians for this type of limitation is maturation.
Before certain types of play can be attempted, a child must demonstrate a level
of maturity that includes the readiness of the mind and necessary motor skills
to participate. If a child lacks basic eye-hand coordination, he is not ready
for T-ball any more than he is ready for an international Ping-Pong competition.
But there is more to consider. Significant yet often elusive complements of
physical readiness are the mental activities associated with play. These include
a child's level of interest, his willingness to take chances, his self-confidence
in play, his ability to overcome fearful anticipation of play, and his ability
to handle defeat or victory that comes from play.
Also, the personal satisfaction
derived from being able to do something well is an important influence on a
child's development of "self." This was not a concern for your two-year-old,
but it will be a concern for your four-year-old. If a child is rushed into any
type of physical play that leaves him continually on the short end of victory
because of the lack of readiness skills, he tends to back away from other good
avenues of play that can lead him to competency in other areas of his life.
When a child begins to shun games that test his skills because of a pattern
of failure, he tends to form defensive strategies that carry into other fields
of endeavor including school, friendships, and his own sense of self-worth.
A preschooler who holds dearly to the belief that "I can't" because
of repeated failures often translates this belief later in life to "I won't
even try because I will fail." Be careful not to push your child prematurely
into organized play activities prior to his readiness.
Emotional Limits
"My four-year-old falls apart if he doesn't win!" This statement usually
signals that a child is playing a game beyond his emotional readiness. Such
a condition is observed by this writer in casual observations of children, as
well as in his own home. Lesson learned? Do not push your children into games
or types of play for which they are not emotionally ready. Some games are too
emotionally challenging for preschoolers. Your four-year-old should not be playing
the marble-dice board game Aggravation. The repetitive range of emotions experienced
from excitement and anticipation of victory to a sudden loss of all your marbles
(literally and figuratively) and imminent defeat has far too many ups and downs
for a preschooler to handle.
We are not saying that your
child should avoid games that challenge his emotions and test his limits, but
rather to avoid games that are developmentally beyond his emotional limitations.
If your child is routinely falling apart, the games he is playing are beyond
his age-readiness. Going to bed with tears and a sense of defeat does not make
for sweet dreams for your little darling.
Intellectual Limits
Because of differences in cognitive skill levels and childhood interests, preschoolers
need to participate in types of play that fit their intellectual needs and abilities
and can challenge their thinking without crushing their spirits. Pushing a child
into a game before he is intellectually ready does not serve the child well.
No matter how insistent your four-year-old might be, or how well he can "wheel
and deal" with you, do not entertain the idea that he is ready for a game
of Monopoly. He is simply not ready for the type of competition, the skill level,
or the logic of buying and selling Pennsylvania Avenue property. Nor is he able
to comprehend underlying meanings or sustain his own interest through the length
of time is takes to finish the game. This will only lead to unnecessary four-year-old
frustration.
Moral Limits
Children from the earliest days of memory face the impact of moral decisions
and obligations made on their behalf and by themselves. From the time they were
able to first understand language, they were reminded what is good, bad, approved,
or naughty. The idea of what they are obligated to do or not do, how to behave
or not behave, is fairly embedded in daily thought and expected conduct. Therefore,
any type of play that undermines or is antagonistic to your family's moral values
should be avoided. Any type of play that weakens your preschooler's developing
conscience undermines the fullness of his public character. Any type of play
that interferes with basic respect for parents, property, and other people must
be discouraged.
When you compromise the
moral aspect of play, all sorts of bad things can happen to your preschooler's
mental world, from poor self-esteem to poor play habits. This in time leads
to weakened friendships and shunning by other kids. On and on the downward spiral
goes when lines of moral play including fairness, sharing, and following the
rules are crossed. The best prevention parents can provide when it comes to
play is stressing to their children that it must be "play by the rules"
or "don't play at all."
Gender Limits
Every grandma knows that if you put a toy car, ball, stick, doll, blanket, and
dishes in a room, little boys immediately gravitate toward the car, ball, and
stick while little girls drift to the doll, blanket, and dishes. It really doesn't
matter where a child is from, whether it be a complex society likes ours or
a simple tribal setting in the rain forest. Little boys have a trail of masculine
adjectives that distinctly separate them from little girls. Social conditioning?
There might be some, but not sufficient enough to alter male and female predispositions
embedded in nature's endowment of gender. The fact is, male and female brains
are wired differently-yes, little boys love trucks and little girls love dolls.
We bring this up as encouragement
and as a warning. When it comes to play, parents should not attempt to gender-neutralize
their little boys or girls, but rather to appreciate their differences and work
with each propensity. A delightful example of this was demonstrated by Dr. George
Lazarus, an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at New York City's Columbia
University College of Physicians and Surgeons. He recounted his meeting with
a mother sensitive to gender-neutrality who gave her daughter several toy trucks
only to find her later tucking them into bed. Understanding gender difference
helps parents make proper evaluations about their child's progress both in play
and life. It helps us avoid speculative evaluations. For example, when a mother
says, "But his sister was talking at his age," she is making a comparison
in language development. But research confirms that girls tend to have a verbal
advantage over boys early on. They speak sooner and more comprehensively by
three years of age than their male counterparts who arrive at the same level
of competency around age four and a half.
Yet boys have other strengths,
including an aptitude for math and the ability to complete calculations in their
heads sooner then girls. Even the construction of building blocks demonstrates
gender predispositions, or lack of, toward engineering tendencies. Boys are
also wired for action. That might be one reason they are always on the go, while
their sisters are content to sit and play with their dolls or be entertained
in a single location. This is why play is so very different for each.
Finally, notice how little
boys play together compared to how little girls play. Girls are more relational
and will work together to accomplish a common goal. Boys however, are far more
likely to try to do things "on their own." Of course, any wife understands
this truth. Just think through the times you may have offered directions to
your husband only to hear, "I know where I'm going," as you're headed
again for a wrong turn.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
