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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Elementary / Pre-Adolescence
How To Encourage Your Preadolescent and Teen
There are a number of ways
to encourage your preadolescent and teenage child. Verbal praise, physical touch,
simple gifts, spending time together, acts of service-each expression of love
sends the message that we notice what our kids do and that we care about them.
But encouragement doesn't just happen. No matter which form of it we use, we
must take the time to really notice behavior and then single out the positive
aspects of it by relating it to the individual doing it. Encouragement requires
that parents go the extra mile because it forces them to be relationally proactive.
Relationally proactive
is a key concept because the dynamics associated with encouraging your middle
years child are different from those involving your younger child. We encourage
younger children out of the context of our authority and in order to bring about
right behavior. We encourage our middle years children out of the context of
our growing relationship and in response to our relationship. That is why a
common "Thank you, I appreciate your help" is more meaningful to a
ten-year-old than it is to a three-year-old. Seven more years of relationship
add greater meaning to such words of appreciation and praise.
Here are some specific ways you can encourage your preteen and teen.
With Words
In healthy relationships, verbal affirmation is never redundant. Each of us
enjoys receiving a pat on the back or hearing "Well done" from someone
we respect. We appreciate hearing how our actions pleased or helped another.
Teens are no different. Like the rest of us, they are powerfully encouraged
when justified praise comes their way.
If we are not verbalizing
our encouragement, what message are we sending? Verbally encourage your teens
in the little things and the big. It's easier to catch their big efforts, but
many times it's the daily stuff that makes or breaks relationships. Sometimes
a simple "Thank you" can go a long way.
Another way to verbally
encourage a child is to say "I need your help" instead of "I
want it" or just "Do this." The humility it takes to ask for
help-expressing sincere needs-elevates the other person.
If you are just getting
started on the encouragement side of your relationship, be careful not to qualify
your encouragement. Don't say, "Thanks for doing the dishes tonight. Miracles
never cease." Or, "You prepared a great meal; too bad the potatoes
are scorched." Such qualified encouragement is not encouragement at all.
With Touch
The touch of a gentle hand, a tender hug, or a pat on the back can all convey
a message of encouragement. Physical encouragement communicates support, whether
in victory or defeat. It fills in when words fail or aren't enough. To hold
and be held communicates vulnerability and a closeness that is reserved for
trusting members of a family. For those struggling in a relationship with their
teens, this may mean starting slowly.
Simply placing a hand on
the son or daughter's shoulder and saying, "Great game," "Great
job," or "Thank you" may be appropriate. At other times, a high
five or a hug may be best. Whatever the case, don't underestimate the powerful
influence of physical encouragement on your middle years son or daughter. Anne
Marie was always great at combining words of encouragement and simple but meaningful
expressions of physical touch. Sometimes she would just stop the kids, put her
hands on their shoulders, and with great sincerity say, "I just want you
to know how much I appreciate the way you…" Verbal affirmation combined
with physical touch is an unbeatable combination.
There is a tendency to use
the encouragement of touch only when we're happy. But if we have had a bad day,
believe me, our preteens and teens will notice if we put a gentle hand on their
shoulder to say so. Consciously or unconsciously, they will appreciate the added
effort and emotional cost the gesture took.
Gift-Giving
Preteens and teens relish being appreciated. One way to show this is through
gift-giving. Giving a gift in response to a child's act of loving service is
a great way to remind the child that you have not forgotten what he or she did.
We have tried to practice
spontaneous gift-giving in our home. There were occasions when Anne Marie and
I rushed out to a meeting, leaving the kitchen in disarray. Coming home to a
spotless kitchen without having prompted the girls to clean up created in us
an appreciation deserving of more than a simple "Thank you." The next
day Anne Marie would pick up a couple of thank you cards and write the girls
a note of thanks on behalf of the two of us. Sometimes she would slip an inexpensive
pair of earrings in with each card.
This cost very little in
time or money, yet it communicated our deep appreciation for their kindness
and a desire on our part to celebrate our love for them. It also added quality
the next time we said, "Thank you." Whether you are working on reclaiming
some lost ground or just working to improve your relationship, consider saying
"I appreciate you" with a simple gift.
There are, however, some
common pitfalls to avoid. Don't attach any "strings" or conditions
to your gift. "I knew you would appreciate these new earrings, just like
I'm going to appreciate seeing your room picked up more often." Such qualifiers
rob the gift of its true meaning and suggest to the child that your motive for
buying the gift was manipulative in the first place.
Genuine gifts from the heart
are given without expectation. If you find yourself saying, "How could
you do that after I gave you..." realize that you're giving with expectations.
And don't use it as a defense during later conflicts.
With Service
Closely associated with gift-giving is saying "Thank you" through
acts of service. In the incident above, we also could have expressed our thanks
by doing something for the kids that we knew they would appreciate-something
over and above what we would normally do.
The teen years were hectic
in our home, and at times the girls' rooms showed it. Although the girls often
kept them neat, there were seasons of clutter. Sometimes during these busy times,
Anne Marie would clean their rooms. She wanted to say "I love and appreciate
you" in a tangible way. That act of service communicated the value we placed
on what our children were giving to our lives. We appreciated it, and they knew
it.
Quality Time
A fifth way to show encouragement to our teens is by giving them our time. As
parents, we all struggle to balance competing demands. Work quotas, family responsibilities,
personal interests, friendships, ministry opportunities-all these and more cry
out for our attention.
Your teen may very well
be aware of the battle you wage. After all, he or she lives with you. Better
than anyone else, your family knows how little time you have to spare. With
that in mind, what could be more encouraging than to show up and cheer at your
child's drama production, band concert, or soccer game? Or to take your teen
to lunch one day, "Just to tell you how proud I am of you, and the way
you helped your brother study for his test" (or made peace with your best
friend or prepared dinner on the night that Mom was sick)?
Here is something to work
on with your older middle years child. Invite your kids to work on your weaknesses.
One characteristic of healthy families is the freedom granted each member to
lovingly confront one another when necessary. The purpose of this confrontation
is not to condemn but to strengthen; it is not to incite conflict but to provoke
one another to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24).
The Holy Spirit provided
the New Testament Church with a procedure permitting a believer to go to another
in the body of Christ to encourage and admonish him; this same strategy works
for strengthening family relationships. "If a man is overtaken in any fault,
you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering
yourself lest you also be tempted" (Galatians 6:1). Notice the guidelines-you
are to employ a spirit of gentleness and are to remain aware of the power of
sin over your own life.
We practiced this principle
in our own family. Anne Marie and I knew we had parenting blind spots-wrong
perspectives, lack of patience, occasional overconfidence in our decisions,
or too little confidence in our children's. We knew that our teens saw all our
frailties. They knew our strengths and weaknesses. Realizing that no one wanted
us to know the truth more than our own children did, we invited, even encouraged,
them to help us become better human beings. In doing so, we communicated to
our children that 1) we trusted them, 2) we trusted their motives, and 3) we
trusted their discernment. That trilogy spoke volumes to our daughters.
We didn't just let them
have at it, though; we set up some guidelines governing this privilege. We'd
like to share some guiding principles with you:
1. Teens cannot verbally
assault their parents. They must speak honestly and honorably at the same time.
2. Both teens and parents must be in agreement on the particular weakness or
weaknesses to be worked on.
3. Teens must come with a desire to help, not accuse; their motives must
be morally focused.
4. Teens must be in control of their own attitudes when making an observation.
5. Struggling teens must want to start over. Their willingness to start over
validates their desire to have a relationship with you.
There are some advantages
to giving your teens the freedom to work on your weaknesses. First, it fosters
within parents a healthy vulnerability. The popular notion is that vulnerability
denotes weakness, but we're using the term to imply strength. One of the keys
to unlocking the door to the human heart is healthy vulnerability. To be vulnerable
is to be open to the healthy censure or criticism of mature members of the family-morally
mature members. Vulnerability helps keep our inner person in check. It permits
another person to hold up a mirror to our face so we can see who we really are
and who we are becoming. When we hold the mirror to our own face, we tend to
look only at our good side. Our teens are very good at showing us all sides.
Teens detest hypocrisy in their parents; our vulnerability helps prevent it.
A second advantage comes
by way of investment dividends paid out over time-relational dividends, that
is. A number of years ago, a relative persuaded us to invest in a European company
doing business in the United States. We bought their stock at eighteen dollars
a share. Within a month our stock was worth twenty-one dollars a share. Over
the next several months, we watched our stock go up and down and back up again.
Getting involved in the
stock market gave us a new appreciation for the word investment. Every day I
found myself looking at the Dow Jones averages. My attention turned from what
I did initially with my investment, to what I wanted to do with it, to what
I felt I must do. I guarded and nurtured our shares. I remained focused on the
returns. The more growth we saw in our investment, the more committed we became.
If our returns began to diminish, our investment received renewed attention.
The same is true with relational
investment. Giving our teens the freedom to work on our weaknesses allows them
an opportunity to invest relationally and emotionally in us as well. There is
one clear truth about human nature and the nature of investment: People tend
not to walk away from an investment that cost a great deal. Personal investment
gives us a reason to stick around-to nurture, watch, and add to our stock. Your
teen will do that with you. But first you must give him or her a healthy prospect
of real rewards for his or her investment-yourself.
Are you willing to be vulnerable
and open to investment? How is your relational portfolio? Without those two
attributes, your teen has no pathway to your heart and no hope for a healthy
return.
These are just some of the
many ways we can encourage our kids. But don't let the suggestions just outlined
limit you. Remember, any action that you do as a parent that instills in your
teen the courage to do right is encouragement.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
