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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Toddlers
Helping Children Manage and Overcome Fear
Certain childhood fears need
to be managed, while other fears can be overcome with time and education. Here
are some facts to consider while working through your child's fears.
- Fear itself is not a
cure for fear-Forcing a fearful preschooler to "face his fears"
is not the best way to help him overcome them, nor is ridiculing him for being
afraid or commanding him to ignore his fears. This approach goes against the
very thing the child needs-the full confidence that his burden of fear is
being shared with Mom and Dad or big brother or sister. Ridiculing and name-calling
are antagonistic forces to companionship and trusting relationships.
- Education-Methods that
promote self-confidence are the best ways to help children overcome their
fears, and this can be done in part through education. Children are less likely
to be fearful if they have some understanding of the object of fear. When
the child learns that the puppy's actions are playful not threatening, that
the snake is behind the glass and cannot get out, or that thunder has an explanation,
he will better be able to manage potential fear with the assurance brought
by such knowledge. Educating a child about his natural fears is one of the
best ways to reduce fear.
- Getting acquainted-Giving
your preschooler opportunity to get acquainted with the fearful object or
situation is another form of education. This may take time since the child's
confidence in the knowledge of what is safe must grow stronger than the fearful
experience of the past. Gradually introducing your child to the object of
dread through role-playing, actual encounters with the object, or parental
example helps alleviate his fears. When your child sees that Mom is not afraid
to play with the puppy, he will join in the fun and in time overcome his fear.
In contrast, if Mom overreacts to the excited puppy by hopping on a chair,
the child will not be far behind her.
- Removing fearful stimuli-Remove
all inappropriate fearful stimuli from your child's life. The Wizard of
Oz is not a movie for preschool-age children to watch. Even the movie
Dumbo can create apprehension. Poor little Dumbo, separated from his
mom and forced to work the circus scene as an oddity, is way beyond the context
of your preschooler's sense of security. Take note of what your child is watching
on television, including cartoons. Given the state of the world, even the
nightly news can be fear-provoking to children (and adults).
- Substitution, not just
suppression-Universal in application, this particular suggestion should not
be limited to the single category of fear, but applied to any circumstance
that employs moral and virtuous opposites. For example, the Ezzos were once
approached by a father asking how to deal with his son's obsessive jealousy.
That question leads to a broader one: How do you deal not only with jealousy,
but also all attitudes of the heart and emotions, including fear? Children
of all ages are better served by substitution than by suppression. The father
mentioned above was frustrated by his efforts to suppress his son's jealousy.
No matter how hard he tried to keep the lid on it, jealousy continued to leak
out.
The problem here (and for
many parents) is not simply the presence of a vice or a weakness, but the absence
of a virtue and strength. Suppression of wrong behavior is often achieved by
encouraging the opposite virtue. If you hope to suppress jealousy, give equal
time to elevating the opposite virtue, which in this case is contentment. If
you have a child struggling with envy, teach charity. For anger, teach self-control.
For revenge, teach forgiveness.
Substitution make all the
difference in the world. This same principle applies to childhood fears. Often
the problem is not the presence of fear but rather the absence of trust or courage.
Parents, by the language they use, tend to focus primarily on fear (the negative)
and not on courage (the positive). Instead of saying "Don't be afraid,"
parents should consider saying instead "Be brave" or "Be courageous."
This type of encouragement is not meant to satisfy a moment of fear, but to
establish a pattern of belief for a lifetime.
- Prevention-Most of the
suggestions above to help overcome fears can also be employed to prevent
many fears. Giving a child a heads-up about the neighbor's dog or how loud
the fireworks will sound makes good sense. When dealing with young children,
some form of pre-activity warning is better than the shock of discovery.
Considering the fact that,
in essence, children's fears are not greatly different from those of adults,
parents should demonstrate great patience toward a fearful child. Do not put
a premium on insisting that a child not be afraid, but assure him that you will
walk with him through fearful situations. After all, the last thing you want
to create is a condition in which your child fears telling you about his fears.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
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