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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Adolescence / Teenagers
Teen Challenge: Questions & Answers About Challenges at School
Parents are faced with varying levels of challenges. For some parents it is trying
to get their teens to turn off the light in their bedroom. Other parents are dealing
with more grave matters: drugs, sexual activity, and criminal activity. We believe
the principles presented here can be scaled up or down to fit most situations.
As a supplemental resource, this series of questions and answers provides general
answers that fit a broad range of teen challenges. We trust you will find it of
value to your unique situation.
Questions Summary
1. Public schools are getting so violent. Should I put my teenager in a private
school?
2. My teenager is tormented so badly by other kids at school that it's a struggle
just to get him to go. What can I do?
3. My teenager is so unmotivated in school now. Why should I believe things
will be different in college? Why should I spend money I don't have to send
an unmotivated teen to college?
4. My teenager wants to go into professional sports (or into a career in the
arts), but I don't think he's got the talent to make it. How do I get him to
think realistically without squashing his dreams?
5. What guidelines can you give me about jobs-full-time, part-time, after-school,
and summer jobs?
1. Public schools are
getting so violent. Should I put my teenager in a private school?
We often hear the sentiment
that public schools are terrible, private schools are better (but expensive),
and homeschooling is the "safest" option (though not without problems
of its own). But this isn't true across the board. There are some wonderful
public schools, some scary private schools, and some unhealthy homeschool situations.
The number one consideration for moms and dads is their teen's moral and physical
health and safety. Until we come to a place in our society where we have a common
level of human decency and protection for all, we are going to be faced with
hostility in some public schools. If you or your teen feels that he is not safe
where he is, consider making a change.
Because of the tragedies
in several public schools, many parents are considering private schools for
their kids. But these can be expensive, and they're not right for every teen.
If your teen goes to a private school, she may have to give up a lot of great
activities and sports that are offered at the public school. On the other hand,
the student-to-teacher ratios are usually better at private schools, and they
tend to give more attention to character.
Homeschooling might be an
option to consider. This movement, once popular primarily among Evangelical
Christians, has now become quite fashionable in the mainstream culture. However,
as with private schools, homeschooling isn't for everyone. It's a lot of work
for parents, not all of whom feel they can adequately teach their children,
especially at the high school level. And let's face it, not all parents want
to have their teenagers around them that much.
Talk to your own teenager
about the issue. Some teens will say, "Yes, please get me out of this school."
They recognize the struggle that's going on, and they actually would not mind
being homeschooled. That might sound like a foreign concept, but we've met some
teens who were willing to move out of a public school just because of the violence
they were seeing around them.
The good news is this doesn't
have to be a once-for-all decision. It's sometimes a good idea to try all three-homeschool
until age seven, for instance, private school through ninth grade, then public
school until graduation, or some other arrangement. Keep tinkering with your
options until you find what's right for your teen and your family at this time.
Evaluate it every semester.
2. My teenager is tormented
so badly by other kids at school that it's a struggle just to get him to go.
What can I do?
Kids who have been raised
morally are often attractive targets for those who have not been raised that
way. Living according to a high moral standard will always make a teen stand
out. It can become very uncomfortable when the culture of the school militates
against what a teen stands for. What can you do about this? Well, you're certainly
not going to not teach your teen to be responsible or respectful or moral simply
to avoid ridicule. You must give your teen confidence and tools for dealing
with this kind of harassment. You may also want to evaluate whether your teen
is in the right school situation for this time in her life.
This scenario demonstrates
the need both for a strong family identity and for a moral community. These
will give him the ability to resist peer pressure and will give him or her some
like-minded friends to stand with in the struggle.
3. My teenager is so
unmotivated in school now. Why should I believe things will be different in
college? Why should I spend money I don't have to send an unmotivated teen to
college?
A lack of motivation in
school may be a behavior problem, or it may not. Some temperaments have a greater
desire to please and achieve than others. We don't want you to feel that if
you have an unmotivated teen, you're a terrible parent. Many children are unmotivated
when it comes to school. For most it is because school is a necessary bore.
Yet, the same child is highly motivated when it comes to something he or she
is interested in.
If you've got an unmotivated
teen and you're considering whether or not you should send him to college, you
should make sure your expectations are realistic. Whether your teen is unmotivated
because of temperament or behavioral deficiencies, the results may be the same.
Some parents choose to allow their teenagers to wait on college until they've
gotten some direction for their lives and proven their willingness to help pay
their way through school.
The key for parents of an
unmotivated teen is not to try to break him of this but to find out what it
is that does motivate him. Draw from the unique giftedness and personality of
the teen to find the secret for getting him moving. If you can tap into that,
the motivation problems may disappear.
Or you can always try to
scare your teenager straight by giving him a dose of what life without a college
education might be like. Teach tomorrow's consequences today. That's what this
author's parents did with him. Here is his story.
Gary's father and mother
worked in a shoe factory. When each of their sons turned sixteen, they had them
spend their summer vacation working in a very inhospitable portion of that factory.
It was not a pleasant experience. The summers were hot, there was no air conditioning,
and in those days, no OSHA. One of Gary's jobs was to work the oil-wheel room,
where full pieces of cowhide were soaked in hot oil and laid in large wooden
wheels. Gary's job that summer was to jump into the wheel and remove the one
hundred pieces of oil-soaked leather. He did that ten times a day, all summer
long.
Every afternoon it was the
same routine. At 4:30 P.M. he would drag himself out to his parents' car and
wait for them. Fifteen minutes later his parents joined him. His Dad would get
into the car, look at the pathetic heap in the backseat, and ask, "How
was work today, son?" Gary's typical response was, "Fine, Dad."
And then his father would remind him of his future: "Son, you will go to
college and make a better life for yourself, or you will work in a factory like
this the rest of your life." That summer Gary experienced tomorrow's potential
consequences every day in an oil room.
If your teen is unmotivated
for college, consider putting her into a vocation. Give her a job before you
send money off to school. It may be that she never goes to college. There is
a misconception that if your kids don't go to college, they won't be able to
make it in life. But we know many people who never went to college and are making
more money than many PhDs.
4. My teenager wants
to go into professional sports (or into a career in the arts), but I don't think
he's got the talent to make it. How do I get him to think realistically without
squashing his dreams?
This is a tough one. You
have to handle your child's dreams with care. But you also want to equip him
to succeed in life. Sometimes the problem will solve itself. After a season
of interest in music or hockey or whatever, your teen may decide he's not that
interested after all. But if your teen is nearing the end of high school and
is talking about pursuing the art or sport through college and beyond, it might
be time for parents to gently intervene.
First, be sure you evaluate
your child accurately. Get the opinion of others qualified to judge. If he really
does have unusual talent, you may actually want to step up your support of the
activity. If he has only a moderate amount of talent, you may want to begin
thinking about other paths he might take. If he has raw talent but no determination
to excel, your teen doesn't have a chance of making it. He would be better off
coming to grips with that now rather than later.
Consider giving your teen
the opportunity to investigate an activity. Let him play for a season or do
repertory theater for a summer. If, after a fair time of investigation, your
teen hasn't demonstrated the requisite talent level or commitment, you need
to help him face the reality that this may not be for him, at least not as a
career.
Even with talent and determination,
it's very often not enough to make a career in sports or the arts. Free agent
tryouts in pro sports and open auditions in the performing arts are overflowing
with talented and determined people. Gifted, trained, and experienced players
and performers are a dime a dozen. There will usually be twenty people more
qualified than your child for every available spot.
We think that our schools,
especially high schools, do children a disservice by giving unreserved encouragement
in the areas of sports and the arts. Teenagers are trying to figure out what
they want to do in life. If they excel in basketball or dance, teachers and
parents will encourage them to pursue it in college. They communicate the message
that the young person "has what it takes" to make it in this field
as a career, when in actuality what this teen may have is the talent to stand
out at the high school level. High school standout talent is not the same as
successful career talent.
So these teens go to college,
where not surprisingly, there are degree plans in sports and fine arts (often
taught by former high school standouts who didn't have the ability to make a
career out of doing it and so have turned to teaching). The young adult graduates
from college having played on the team or with a degree in vocal performance
or theater…and finds he can't get a job. After disappointing tryouts in
Green Bay or off Broadway, he begins to realize the hard truth.
Perhaps he thinks back to
all those teachers and professors who encouraged him along the way and wonders
why they didn't tell him this would happen instead of always painting lovely
but unlikely pictures. Here he sits with no marketable skills and a degree no
one values. How is he going to support himself?
Parents want to encourage
their children, and so they should. We want them to be confident and realize
they have something special to offer. But we should also want to help them survive
in this harsh, sometimes cruel, world. Here is the key for handling this difficult
situation. In order to encourage your child to follow her dream and yet still
be sure she'll be able to support herself if the dream never becomes reality,
develop a contingency plan.
Say something along these
lines: "Son, you really are gifted in this activity. Your father and I
want to help you learn your craft and take advantage of every opportunity to
turn this into your career if that's what you want. But we also want you to
be able to take care of yourself while you're waiting for your big break. So,
alongside the classes you take to hone your skills in this area, we want you
to take classes in computer programming or accounting or business management-something
that will help you get a well-paying job to support you while you work to make
your dreams come true." With a plan like this, you can show your support
of your child's aspirations and also be sure he is taken care of over the long
haul.
5. What guidelines can
you give me about jobs-full-time, part-time, after-school, and summer jobs?
There are two primary scenarios
when it comes to teens and jobs: They either want one or they don't. Here are
some guidelines for both situations. If your teen wants a job, be it an after-school
job or a summer job, the first question to ask is why she wants it. Is it for
money or status or approval? What is the money going to go for? Is she hoping
to earn some extra cash to fund her CD-buying habit, or is she saving up to
move away from you? Do you think the money will go for pizza or for drugs? Is
there a rebellion issue at play? If so, that needs to be what you address first.
Jobs can be great teachers
for the real world. You can use a job to help your teen learn how to manage
money, how to be a responsible employee, and how to value a dollar. In real
life, if you don't work, you don't have money to spend. An after-school or summer
job can help drive this home. It can be an excellent way to transfer some more
monkeys onto your teen's back. He can begin to assume responsibility for his
own clothing purchases, car fuel and upkeep, and whatever extras he desires.
The second question is whether
a job would be the best use of your teen's time. If it's a summer job, would
summer school serve her better? If working on a skill or sport might give her
a better chance of receiving a scholarship, maybe a job wouldn't be the best
option right now.
Third, will this job interfere
with schoolwork, family time, or other responsibilities? If the cost is higher
than the family is willing to pay, it might be better to wait on the job. You
might consider just trying it for a while to see if the benefits outweigh the
costs. If it turns out that they don't, you can reevaluate.
The second scenario is when
the teen doesn't want a job, but Mom and Dad want him to get one. Teens work
hard during the school year, often taking on sports and arts and other extracurricular
activities that can add up to sixty-plus hours of activity a week. When summertime
comes, they can want to just crash for two months before starting it all over
again.
We understand. However,
in the real world, they're not going to get nice two-month vacations every year.
If they're lucky, they'll get a week. After they've been there twenty years,
maybe they'll work up to three weeks. Allowing teens to have such a big vacation
does not do them any favors in terms of equipping them for life.
That doesn't mean your teen
doesn't need a vacation. Try to incorporate some rejuvenation time into the
summer. Maybe allow a week or two break between school and the job. If she can
find a job with flexible hours or in which she'll be doing something she enjoys,
so much the better. It's a balance. Help out by discussing the options and laying
out parameters.
One mother told her teenage
son he had to get a summer job working at least twenty hours a week. When he
moaned about it, she gave him another option. "Okay, you don't have to
get a job; you can work for me. I'll give you at least twenty hours of work
every week. But I only pay twenty-five cents an hour." Needless to say,
he was motivated to go find a part-time job. Jobs can be wonderful tools for
parents to teach hard lessons about what makes the world go 'round.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
