|
|
Email this Article
|  |
Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Toddlers
Potty Training: Common Questions
Question 1:
Is punishment ever appropriate during the training process?
Question 2: My son
seems to be fixated on food. So when I was training him, food rewards worked
well. Now that he is trained, I am finding it difficult to give up the rewards
in fear that he will regress. What do I do?
Question 3: My daughter
Lacy is nearly 3 years old. While we take pleasure in her bathroom success with
using the toilet and having very few accidents, she refuses to have a bowel
movement there. Instead, every day is another day of messy diapers. What do
I do?
Question 4: Are girls
really easier to train than boys?
Question 5: He did
fine when I was supervising his training, but once I went back to the office,
he returned to wetting and messing as if he wasn't trained. What do I do?
Question 6: What
about potty charts, videos, and books? Are they helpful?
Question 7: My child
has a mind of his own and refuses to sit on the potty. What should I do?
Question 8: My son,
like his 5-year-old sister, enjoys his privacy when going to the bathroom. I
think he should keep the door open, but he wants it closed when he does his
business. Should I insist that he keep it open?
Question 9: I'm working
with my son to urinate into the potty seat, but his trajectory is all over the
place. Help me!
Question 10: How
should we handle using public bathrooms?
Question 11: My child
will not sit very long. What can I do to help him stay seated until he is done?
Question 12: Can
I use diapers or pull-ups at night during the time my child is moving toward
nighttime dryness?
Question 13: Can
a child get bored with potty training?
Question 14: The
rewards worked great, but now how do I get rid of the need for rewards?
Question 15: Mom
states that her two-year-old is doing fine with day and night bladder control.
However, she refuses to use the potty for her poops. Mom is sure her daughter
is not afraid of the potty, because she uses it at other times, but she seems
too be afraid to do her poops in the potty. Any suggestions?
Common
Questions
Question 1: Is punishment ever appropriate during the training process?
Answer: It depends
on how a parent defines punishment. Since most related concerns associated with
potty training are developmental, corporal punishment is not an appropriate
or productive means to "fix" potty training accidents. Three year
old Peter, was so fascinated with computer games that he could not break away
for a potty break. Accidents were often. His parents employed a form of logical
consequence that worked. Peter lost the privilege of playing at the computer
until he was developmentally ready to play without having accidents. Other parents
reported success in moving their older (3½ years old) "lazy"
child from occasional accidents to remaining dry and clean child by insisting
he help Mom or Dad in the cleanup process. We do not recommend this for a child
younger than 3½ years, and this only should be used with caution and
much patience after that.
Question 2: My son
seems to be fixated on food. So when I was training him, food rewards worked
well. Now that he is trained, I am finding it difficult to give up the rewards
in fear that he will regress. What do I do?
Answer: Children
are motivated by reward and praise. But not all rewards need to be tangible,
or if they are tangible, they do not always need to be a type of food. For example,
in scenario 2 in the previous chapter, Travis's mom moved her son from a small
reward of food to a more interesting reward at night. If you remember, she went
to the dollar store, picked up some fun items, placed them in bags, and Travis
was rewarded once a day for staying dry and clean. As the bags on the counter
were visibly reduced in number, so also was Travis's expectation.
Less physically tangible rewards followed next-the trip to the park or a friend's
house, or lunch at Dad's office. Gradually the reward will be moved from once
a day to once a week. Rewards then might be going to the hobby story and buying
a kite and flying it with Dad, going for a boat ride with Uncle Jim, or sleeping
over at a cousin's house. Eventually the rewards must be extinguished, but not
before the child masters the skill the reward system supported.
Question 3: My daughter
Lacy is nearly 3 years old. While we take pleasure in her bathroom success with
using the toilet and having very few accidents, she refuses to have a bowel
movement there. Instead, every day is another day of messy diapers. What do
I do?
Answer: When it comes
to contradictory behaviors, it's hard to discern a mind of a toddler. On one
hand, the child does not fear or shy away from using the potty seat to urinate,
but she flees the same venue for her bowel moment. To relieve any tension, we
do not believe such behavior is rooted in the child's fear that she might lose
part of her body if she sits on the chair or toilet seat. That is something
from an adult's imagination, not a toddler's. However, if it is not the fear
factor driving the child, what is driving Lacey's behavior, and what can her
parents do about it?
The first thing to realize
is that no advancement in new skills is ever plotted in a straight line. Instead
it oscillates in an upward spiral, with advances and losses that return to greater
advances until mastery is fully achieved. Potty training is no exception. At
the high end of the spiral we see Lacey's bladder mastery using the toilet,
and at the lower end of the spiral is bowel control. But contrary to Mom and
Dad's temporary frustration, it is all upward progression leading toward mastery.
Lacey's inconsistency in patterns of elimination is very consistent with such
spiral advancement in development.
Most of us do not even think
about the physical and psychological workings involved with controlling bladder
and bowel elimination, nor do we pay much attention to the elimination process
itself. Why will a toddler run to the other room, mess her pants, and then come
out and announce to Mom or Dad that a change of clothes is needed? She does
it for the same reason Dad and Mom go into the bathroom and shut the door. The
human psyche has a naturally propensity to seek solitude for moments such as
this. Defecation is not a public event. Your toddler is not running and hiding
as much as simply finding solitude away from the crowd. The challenge is to
get her to find that same solitude on the bathroom potty chair. How can Lacey's
parents do that?
As an old adage goes in
our wonderfully capitalistic society, "Everyone has a price." Yes,
this means even your toddler. Remember Travis in scenario 2 above? His mom and
dad were only one step away from helping him become self-directed in his potty
use. They got him to cooperate by making the reward for staying dry so big that
he changed his habit. Our recommendations to change Lacey's bowel habits are
to do the same. Offer her a reward so big, so attractive, that she finds her
potty chair a welcome alternative to her diapers. Also, remember principle 4,
and reward her for staying dry and clean, not simply for using the potty. Avoid
scolding and negative discipline. They will not help in this situation. Rewards
and encouragement will.
Question 4: Are girls
really easier to train than boys?
Answer: Not according
the moms we talk to who have trained both. As stated earlier in chapter 1, girls
train sooner than boys, but not necessarily easier or faster. Potty training
challenges often have more to do with the child's temperament than gender. Having
said that, we do believe Parents will find younger siblings of the same gender
easier to train then siblings of the opposite gender. The Ezzos second daughter
self-trained in two weeks with out much insistence by Mom or Dad. The potty
chair was out, big sister paved the way, little sister followed.
Question 5: He did
fine when I was supervising his training, but once I went back to the office,
he returned to wetting and messing as if he wasn't trained. What do I do?
Answer: A well-supervised
toddler's "bladder control" may actually be the result of the vigilant
parent who anticipates his or her child's need to go before an accident occurs.
At this point, the parent accomplished several things, including familiarity
with the process in general, the introduction of the potty chair, and practice
going while on the chair. However, the success gained may have been due to Mom
and Dad's vigilance more than the child being developmentally ready to recognize
the urge and respond appropriately. Of course you want to continue the vigilance,
but you should realize that your child may be weeks or even months away from
self-directed potty skills.
Question 6: What
about potty charts, videos, and books? Are they helpful?
Answer: It all depends
on the child. Many children train just fine and just as fast without charts,
stickers, and videos. However, if you think your child is motivated or can be
helped by such resources, by all means give them a try. Search the Internet
and you can find a variety of colorful, durable charts with stickers that cling
to your refrigerator that are designed to make potty training fun. Just keep
in mind that nothing is more motivating than a reward that comes after the big
question, "Are you dry?"
Question 7: My child
has a mind of his own and refuses to sit on the potty. What should I do?
Answer: Physical
readiness for potty training often occurs around the time that children generally
develop an unrealistic sense of self-determination, which is usually oppositional
in nature. You say, "Green cup," and he says, "Red cup."
You say, "Sit here," and he says, "Sit there." You say,
"Yes," and he says, "No." While oppositional identity is
part of everyday life for a 2-year-old child, it does not mean parents should
surrender their training to the tyranny of the child's displeasure. On the other
hand, potty training is not the place parents should start to work on their
right to rule in the life of this little person. In fact, if you make this the
hill to die on, you probably will lose the battle. We would refer the reader
back chapter 1 to review the discussion concerning volitional readiness. After
reviewing this material, decide what your best course of action might be. Postponing
potty training might be the answer for now.
Question 8: My son,
like his 5-year-old sister, enjoys his privacy when going to the bathroom. I
think he should keep the door open, but he wants it closed when he does his
business. Should I insist that he keep it open?
Answer: When this
mom was asked if she closed the door while in the bathroom herself, her emphatic
answer was, "Yes, of course." It is a worldwide fact that bowel elimination
involves personal privacy, even for toddlers. This natural endowment of our
biological natures is not derived from ridicule, or parental scoffing, but is
part of the human experience that all children awaken to. As mentioned in the
answer to question 3, some toddlers run to the other room, mess their pants,
and then come out and announce to Mom or Dad that a change of clothes is needed.
They do this for the same reason Dad and Mom go into the bathroom and shut the
door.
That may be why some children will find refuge in having a bowel movement in
a diaper instead of on the potty chair. No one can see me, thinks the child.
The diapers then become amenable substitutes for the toilet. Because cleanup
is usually done very quickly by Mom, the child shuns any attempt to be forced
into using the potty as the place to go. If the child seeks it, give him the
privacy asked for. However, no child has the freedom to lock the bathroom door
while at an age for that to be a safety issue.
Question 9: I'm working
with my son to urinate into the potty seat, but his trajectory is all over the
place. Help me!
Answer: Little boys
are likely to experiment with their aim and trajectory. Once they are standing,
they quickly figure out they can be in control of the direction of flow. What
little boy doesn't want to make a game out of it? We suggest you keep CheeriosTM
handy. Drop a few into the bowl and have him aim for the floating targets below.
If he is constantly a lousy shot and careless about the mess all over the floor
and the back of the toilet, hand him a damp cloth and invite him to help you
clean up. Good luck!
Question 10: How
should we handle using public bathrooms?
Answer: The first
suggestion is preventative in nature. If your child is trained or you are in
the process of training, try to get her to sit on the potty before you leave
home. When you do that, make it a matter-of-fact suggestion to go sit and try
to go, rather than making it a parental dictate. Often a child feels pressured
and ends up not going. Just encourage her to give it a try and hope for the
best. If your outing involves visiting a friend or relative, have your child
sit on their potty when you arrive. Usually this is not a big deal, especially
if Mom is around.
Public settings sometimes present a challenge. For such occasions, carry a supply
of tissue or sanitary wipes so you are not dependent on the diligence of the
previous night's janitor. Because of the stalls, Moms can take little boys into
the women's room. Dads taking their little girls is trickier, since men's rooms
have urinals lined up and often are in use. In that case, have the child close
her eyes as Dad finds an available stall to use. (More Questions and Answers
with Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo)
Question 11: My child
will not sit very long. What can I do to help him stay seated until he is done?
Answer: Entertainment,
amusement, and self-control all come to mind as helpful choices. You can entertain
the child with your presence. This might include reading a short story, showing
him pictures, or having him recite his ABCs. Amusement is self-directed,
without Mom or Dad. The child could be looking at a special toddler-age picture
book, or playing with a favorite doll, race cars, or an old cell phone that
still has some battery life but is not hooked up to service. Self-control training
can be achieved by having your child sit with his hands folded. This concept
is fully developed in our On Becoming Preschoolwise book and is only
summarized here.
Parents should always try
to help a child gain self-control before the child crosses the bridge into the
land of trouble, not afterward. The hand-folding exercise does exactly that.
It is a wonderful tool that can be used at grocery checkout counters, school
functions, sporting events, dentist's offices, or during that longer-than-usual
sermon at church. It can even be used during potty training.
When a young child folds
his hands to get self-control, it handles all the excessive body energy that
makes self-control so difficult. After all, if you want your child to settle
down, sit down, or stay put, that energy has to go somewhere. Now, instead of
it going into squabbling, cartwheeling, or whispering, it can go into the hands.
Another amazing thing about
hand-folding is how quickly it brings about self-control. Usually it takes 30-90
seconds. Your child only needs to fold her hands long enough to gain self-control
in that moment. And that might be just enough to make this trip to the chair
work. Of course, you will not introduce this to your toddler while he is sitting
on the potty. It is important to teach this technique to your child when things
are calm. You may have your child practice this at the table while you finish
up last-minute mealtime preparations. Make it a fun game in the beginning. Demonstrate
how to achieve self-control during a peaceful time, so that when things begin
to get out of hand, you have got the cure in place. This simple technique will
become second nature to your child and can be used in many venues when your
child needs that burst of self-control to make it through another minute or
so. Give it a try.
Question 12: Can
I use diapers or pull-ups at night during the time my child is moving toward
nighttime dryness?
Answer: There is
some debate over this, but we believe it can be done without it necessarily
hindering the progress made during the day. The best advice we can offer is
to stay consistent. By that we mean do not switch back and forth. Pull-ups are
the preferred option if you are not using training pants. If you use training
pants, use a plastic diaper cover to keep your child's clothes dry. When visiting
friends, bring extra pairs of underwear with you.
Questions 13: Can
a child get bored with potty training?
Answer: Yes, sometimes
when training commences too soon, the child will get bored in the learning process
and start having accidents. There are two things a parent can do. You can increase
the reward to recapture his interest, or you can temporarily cease structured
potty training and move to a more relaxed mode.
Question 14: The
rewards worked great, but now how do I get rid of the need for rewards?
Answer: Stretch the
rewards by using a chart. Move the child from single successes to multiple successes.
Multiple successes equal a big reward or surprise. But it must be something
that keeps the child interested until the toilet training habits are routine
and part of his daily responsibilities. Many children find charting fun and
encouraging. They get to place a star on their chart for staying dry and clean,
and two stars for using the potty. Eventually even the chart will lose its novelty,
and the rewards will no longer be needed.
Questions 15: Mom
states that her two-year-old is doing fine with day and night bladder control.
However, she refuses to use the potty for her poops. Mom is sure her daughter
is not afraid of the potty, because she uses it at other times, but she seems
too be afraid to do her poops in the potty. Any suggestions?
Answer: First, make
sure constipation is not factor. Next consider this a behavioral problem. Not
behavior in need of correction but rather in need of specific encouragement.
Think about a very specific reward. The following has worked for other Moms.
With you son or daughter by your side, take a stroll up and down to aisle of
your local toy store. Let your toddler peruse the many selections and allow
her to pick out one fun item of interest. It has to be "fun enough"
to make it worth going poop in the potty. Your toddler should look at and touch
the toy but do not purchase it. With great enthusiasm, let her know that the
two of you will come back to the store and buy the toy if she poops in the potty
for three consecutive days. (Help her understand what three consecutive days
looks like.) Have some star chart sticker handy. day she is successful, put
a sticker on her chart or on the big family calendar.
What makes this work is the formation of the habit. Once the child gets into
the habit of going poop on the potty you are three quarters of the way to your
goal. When three stickers make it to the chart, get over to the store and buy
that toy. We cannot guarantee that this will work for every child, but when
rewards are managed correctly they have been successful in helping many toddlers
with their toilet habits.
Footnote:
Content of the
article references information from Potty Training 1-2-3 written
by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. All rights reserved.
Article
by Gary Ezzo / Anne Marie Ezzo
