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Parenting
with Gary & Anne Marie: Infant
Baby Crying and Nurturing
Your baby cries and the world around you dims. You know that baby wants to
tell you something. But what? Clearly, the cry is a multi-functional tool for
baby to get what she needs. Besides crying when hungry, baby plays the blues
when she is tired, wet, sick, bored, frustrated, out of the routine, fed too
often or sometimes simply because that is what normal, healthy babies do.
While it won’t make you feel any better, it is reassuring to know that
the American Academy of Pediatrics recognizes crying as a natural part of a
baby’s day. From their complete and authoritative guide for infant care
we read: “All babies cry, often without any apparent cause. Newborns
routinely cry a total of one to four hours a day.… No mother can console
her child every time he cries, so don’t expect to be a miracle worker
with your baby. Pay close attention to your baby’s different cries and
you’ll soon be able to tell when he needs to be picked up, consoled,
or tended to, and when he is better off left alone.” 1 Think of crying
as a signal, not a statement against your parenting. As mom or dad, learn to
assess your baby’s cry so you can respond properly. The ability to read
your baby’s cry will give you confidence in parenting.
Related
Topics:
Blocking Cry Strategies. Are they Good For Your Baby?
Cries to Listen For
Learning About Normal and Abnormal Infant Cry Periods
What Should I Do When My Baby Cries?
Blocking Cry Strategies. Are they Good For Your Baby?
In early infancy, crying
is an intuitive way of communicating both need and displeasure. The hunger
cry is different from the sick cry. The sleepy cry is different from the “cuddle me” cry.
And the distress cry differs from the demanding cry. Crying varies in volume,
too. Sometimes a cry will be nothing more than a gentle whimper. Other times
it is a violent protest. Attempts to minimize or block all crying can easily
increase stress rather than decrease it. Emotional tears actually eliminate
chemically activated stress hormones from the body.
Parents are most affected
by a baby’s cry. We can assure you of this
truth: you will not take pleasure in hearing that sound, especially if you
are a first-time parent. Baby’s cry evokes in you emotions of uncertainty
that new parents have never experienced before. This is your baby, and this
crying seems simply intolerable. If only you would know what to do. With a
bit of help, you can.
What to do? Should mom
immediately offer her breast every time baby cries? Does this immediate response
somehow instill love in baby’s heart? Then
what about not responding to every cry with breast-feeding? Does this teach
disappointment or create irreversible latent effects on personality development
which surface years later, according to attachment theorists? We believe the
answer to these questions is no. The question isn’t whether crying is
bad for your baby. The question is whether or not blocking every cry is good
for the child? The answer to this question also is no.
We are horrified to think that a mother would be more interested in simply
stopping her baby from crying, especially at naptime, rather than assessing
the why of her baby’s cry. Such mother-centered-response strategies
overlook the possibility that a child has a need greater than breastfeeding
comfort. In contrast child-oriented-response strategies looks to assess the
real needs behind every cry. This is done through parental assessment. It is
a fundamental belief that puts the child’s needs above the caregiver’s
momentary emotions. It is a belief that states: “My baby is crying and
I need to figure out why”, rather than “my baby is crying and I
need to stop it now.” The first approach is baby centered, the second
is mother-centered. Babywise moms respond to their baby’s cry
but also look for the “why” of the cry and that strategy just makes
sense.
Whether it is blocking
a baby’s
cry by offering food at each whimper or wearing baby in a sling all day to
eliminate crying, beware. Indeed, babies who are allowed unlimited feedings,
who are carried in a sling during the day, and who sleep with their mothers
at night, do cry very little just as advocates claim.
However, this is not a
result of love, training, and an abiding sense of security. Such babies cry
less because the attachment parenting philosophy calls for the suppression
of all crying. Thus, greater value is placed on suppressing a child’s cry than teaching good sleep habits. Try placing an “attached” baby
in his own crib and in all probability there will be a great deal of crying.
Follow that baby at three months, six months, a year or longer. How many times
is that baby waking during the night? Some mothers think they are doing the
most loving thing by never letting their babies cry. But that often translates
into keeping their baby on a starvation ration of sleep and the suppression
of healthy sleep habits. That is a not love.
There is another consideration.
Babies not only become conditioned to being picked up at a whimper, but they
also become abnormally dependent immediate gratification. What will happen
to this baby when her parents no longer can satisfy her immediately? What
happens when a second or third child comes into the family? Think of the
emotional trauma. This painful scenario is described by mothers as the child
becoming “completely unglued.” The child
has been so conditioned to immediate response that he or she simply cannot
cope with a delayed response. Now the child is emotionally fragile, rather
than emotionally stable.
Today, mom’s get bombarded clichés: “You can’t hurt
a baby by picking her up whenever she cries.” “You can’t
spoil her by loving her too much.” Such clichés are relative and
meaningless. The real issue is not a spoiled child but creating within the
child a dependent predisposition for immediate gratification. This becomes
a destructive influence on her pretoddler and toddler development because it
undermines the natural development of coping skills. Yes, you can harm a baby
by picking him or her up too much. Not in that single act, but in the collective
nature of such a response. Over time this parenting attitude creates negative
propensities. These inevitably spill over into pretoddler and toddler development.
Here is the good news.
Babies under the parent-directed feeding plan tend to cry less in the long
run than babies who are demand fed. Why? Infants on a routine grow confident
and secure in that routine. Their lives have order, and they learn the lesson
of flexibility early in life. They settle into regular and predictable rhythms
of activity, develop greater tolerance to frustration, and learn to use modes
of communication other than crying. These babies expresses themselves with
happy sounds such as cooing and by excited body motions such as bouncing.
These are additional modes of “baby talk.”
Infant Cries to Listen For
Some infant crying is normal. You need to expect it. However, you also need
to stay alert to certain identifiable cries. For example, a high-pitched, piercing
cry may be a signal of either internal or external bodily injury. Such a cry,
if persistent, should be brought to the attention of your pediatrician.
A marked change in your
baby’s
crying pattern may be a warning of illness. Look for a sudden increase in
the frequency and duration of crying or a weak, mousy cry. Discuss this with
your pediatrician. Cries indicating hunger or thirst are predictable with
PDF babies. You can be certain the cry is not a hunger-and-thirst cry if
your baby is satisfied after a feeding. With demand-fed babies, cries are
unpredictable, leaving mom and dad guessing and anxious.
Babies who routinely cry
and act hungry after an hour and a half are probably not getting enough food.
If you are breast-feeding, check your milk supply and the factors which influence
it. (See the section on testing your milk supply in chapter 6.) Another cry
that needs investigation is when your baby wakes up in the middle of his
nap with a loud, piercing cry. This could be caused by gas. Relief will come
by burping your baby. Your baby may also be reacting to something in your
breast milk as a result of what you ate earlier in the day. If this cry persists,
physically check your baby. One mom reported that a strand of her long hair
was wrapped tightly around her son’s toe. Once
the hair was gently removed, the crying stopped immediately.
Learning About Normal and Abnormal Infant Cry Periods
“How long should I let my baby cry?” This is the most common
question asked by new moms. Answering isn’t difficult, once you know
how to identify both normal and abnormal cry periods. The timing of your baby’s
cry is the first clue to understanding how you should respond. During the first
four months of life, there are six possible cry periods. Three are classified
as abnormal and three as normal.
Abnormal cry times include the following:
a) during feedings;
b)
immediately after feedings;
c)
at times when baby wakes early out of a sound nap.
Crying during any one
of these periods requires immediate attention. Don’t
wait for the crying to subside. Investigate it, looking for the root cause.
These are not trainable cry periods, such as those times when you put your
baby down for a nap. They come about due to legitimate need.
Crying during Feeding. Crying during feeding might occur if your baby isn’t
getting enough food or isn’t taking in food fast enough. There could
be a number of reasons for these conditions, including improper latching on
or poor milk release.
Crying Immediately
after Feeding. If your baby cries routinely within thirty minutes after his or
her feeding, and the cry sounds like a pain cry rather than a sleepiness
cry, it may be caused by one of several factors:
1. Trapped gas. Young babies often swallow air during feedings. This air
must be brought up again. Burp your baby by holding him or her against your
shoulder, on your lap, or over your knee. Trapped gas is the first reason to
consider when a baby wakes up thirty minutes into a nap. This cry is sometimes
a high-pitched scream. If that is the case, pick the baby up, try burping and
cuddling for a moment, then put the baby back down.
2. Your diet. If you are
breast-feeding, consider what you are eating. Be careful to avoid eating
too many dairy products or spicy foods. You don’t
have to completely eliminate these foods from your diet, but you may have to
cut back considerably.
3. A milk quality problem.
A breast-feeding mother can have a sufficient quantity of milk but at the
same time not have a sufficient quality of milk. As a result, the baby responds
with a hunger cry cue within an hour. Although this condition is relatively
rare, it may affect as many as 5 percent of nursing mothers. What can you
do to improve this condition? Check your diet and seek your pediatrician’s
counsel. He may recommend a nutritionist.
Waking Early Out
of a Sound Nap. If your baby wakes out of a sound sleep with a strong cry, it
may be the result of a combination of any of the three factors mentioned
above. It might be because her sleep schedule was disrupted from a previous
late evening or hectic morning. It might also be the 45-minute intruder.
One day your baby just begins to wakeup 45 minutes early, because she is
hungry even though your last feeding was a full feeding.
If this happens to your baby treat it first as a hunger need. It is probably
a growth spurt so adjust your daily routine to allow for a few more feedings
during the day. If the child is not interested in eating, then you begin to
look for other causes. That is what assessment will do for you, pinpoint the
real problems and real needs.
Normal Crying Periods
Other than the abnormal cry periods just discussed (which always require
your prompt attention), some crying is normal and should be expected. The normal
cry periods are as follows:
a) just before feeding;
b)
when baby is put down for a nap;
c)
during the late afternoon/early evening period.
Crying Just before
Feeding. Under normal circumstances, any crying that occurs just before a feeding
should be limited, since the next event for the baby is mealtime. If your
baby is hungry, feed him or her. If the child routinely shows signs of hunger
before the next scheduled feeding, then find out why, rather than letting
the baby cry it out. Your baby’s routine is to serve
you and your baby, not the reverse.
Crying When Going
Down for a Nap. When your baby goes down for a nap, the duration of crying is
set by the child but monitored by the parent. The American Academy of Pediatrics
recognizes that: “Many babies cannot fall asleep
without crying and will go to sleep more quickly if left to cry for a while.
The crying shouldn’t last long if the child is truly tired.” 2
It is not unusual for
a sleeping baby to occasionally begin whimpering or crying softly in the
middle of a nap. Again, the words of the American Academy of Pediatrics are
helpful in understanding what might be going on: The AAP writes: “Sometimes you may think your baby is waking up when she’s
actually going through a phase of very light slumber. She could be squirming,
startling, fussing, or even crying—and still be asleep. Or she may be
awake but on the verge of drifting off again if left alone. Don’t make
the mistake of trying to comfort her during these moments; you’ll only
awaken her further and delay her going back to sleep. Instead, if you let her
fuss and even cry for a few minutes, she’ll learn to get herself to sleep
without relying on you.” 2 The Academy goes on to say that “some
babies actually need to let off energy by crying in order to settle into sleep
or rouse themselves out of it. As much as fifteen to twenty minutes of fussing
won’t do your child any harm. Just be sure she’s not crying out
of hunger or pain, or because her diaper is wet.” 3
You can’t stand to hear baby cry? Join the club, but remember what’s
truly important. There’s a purpose here. Without a goal in mind, i.e.,
teaching healthy sleep habits, letting your baby cry before falling asleep
at naptimes makes little sense. The absence of an attainable and measurable
goal breeds doubt and confusion. Why are you doing this uncomfortable thing?
Who needs all the added stress? However, if you recognized the long term benefits
of sleep for babies and toddlers, then some temporary crying is preferable
over long-term poorly established sleep skills.
Some children cry fifteen
minutes before falling asleep. Others vary the duration of their cry from
five minutes at one naptime to an off-and-on, thirty-five-minute cry at another.
If your baby cries longer than ten minutes, check on her. Pat her on the
back, possibly holding her for a moment. Then try putting her back down in
her crib. Remember, you are not training your baby not to cry, but training
her in the skill of healthy sleep. This may be the only time in your baby’s
day that the practice of nonintervention is best.
Crying During the Late
Afternoon/Early Evening Period. Most babies have a personal fussy time. A
fussy time in the late afternoon is not uncommon. That’s
true of both bottle- and breast-fed infants. There is no reason for you to
be anxious about your fussy baby, because you are in good company. Literally
millions of mothers and fathers are going through the same thing at nearly
the same time each day.
If a child is not comforted
by the baby swing, an infant seat, siblings, or grandma, consider the crib.
At least there he has the chance of falling asleep. If you have a baby who
becomes exceptionally and continuously fussy, consider the possibility that
he is hungry. How is your milk supply? Are you eating right? Check what you
are eating. Hot, spicy foods or a large intake of dairy products can be common
contributors to a baby’s fussy behavior
at any time of day. Wrong foods in your diet easily amplify your baby’s
normal fussy time and create nightmares for young parents. It simply is not
worth the aggravation. Learn to watch your intake.
There is no precise time limitation for normal periods of crying. It might
be twenty seconds, or twenty minutes. Think carefully about each cry situation.
Use your God given mind Determine when you should intervene and when you need
to hold back. What is this called? It is called parental assessment. The very
thing needed to rightly guide that little life. In time, and as a result of
your training, your baby will go down for naps and nighttime sleep without
crying. He will actually find sleep a welcomed friend.
Four Things to do When Your Baby Cries
How should you respond when your baby cries? Unless you sense your baby is
in danger, take a moment to listen and assess his or her crying. After a brief
assessment, take the appropriate action. Here are some practical and somewhat
more detailed steps to follow.
Listen for the
Type of Cry. Even in the early days and weeks, you will begin to distinguish different
tones and patterns in your baby’s crying. Simply
stop and listen. You may find that the crying ends as quickly as it began.
By listening you can determine a right response. If a child has a dirty diaper,
are you going to feed him or her? Of course not. If your baby has trapped gas,
is food the answer? Never. If your baby cries because of an ear infection,
is nursing what the baby needs? Hardly. Your baby is working hard to spell
out his or her needs. Get to know your baby by decoding baby’s cries.
Think about where
your baby is in his or her routine. Is naptime finished or is your baby in the
middle of his or her nap, in need of resettling? Does your baby need to go
down for a nap? Has she been in the swing too long? Did he lose his toy?
Did she spit up? Is this your baby’s fussy time of day?
This is only a short list of why your baby might be crying. Many reasons other
than hunger can just as quickly turn on the tears.
Take action based
on what you have heard and reasonably concluded. Just remember, sometimes the best
action is no action at all. For example, if your baby is clean, fed, and
ready for naptime, let him or her learn how to fall asleep alone. This may
be precisely what your baby needs. If you try to nurse your child to sleep,
you have only succeeded in manipulating his or her sleep. In the long run,
you are digging for yourself that big, black hole of endless sleepless nights
into the toddler years.
Take note of how
long your baby cries. After watching the clock just one time, many moms have been shocked
to learn that the seemingly endless bout of shrieking lasted all of five
to ten minutes. In the event that you have listened, waited, and determined
that the crying is not subsiding, gather more information by checking on
the baby. Peek into his or her crib and see if your baby has become jammed
into a corner. In that case you simply move your baby and offer a gentle
pat on the back before leaving the room.
There will be times when
your assessment calls for picking up and holding your baby. You simply may
need to reassure the child that everything is all right. Sometimes there
is no rhyme or reason behind the need for special time in mommy’s arms.
Your assessment may produce many options.
Ref.
1. Caring for Your Baby
and Young Child—Birth to Age Five: The Complete
and Authoritative Guide (The American Academy of Pediatrics), ed. Steven P.
Shelov M.D., F.A.A.P. (New York: Bantam Books, 1998), pp. 34-47.
2.
Ibid p. 36
3. Ibid.,
pp. 188-89.
4. Ibid.,
p. 189.
Article
by Gary Ezzo and Anne Marie Ezzo
