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Leveling the Playing Field: A New Approach
GFI actively opposes label censorship at FDA and in the states. We’ve petitioned for a federal regulation that makes clear that terms like “almond milk” are acceptable on labels and lobbied against bills that would curtail plant-based and cell-based meat producers’ ability to use meat terms on their labels.

But what we care about is fairness. So we’d be open to a compromise.

If the government bans meat and milk terms on labels for plant-based and cell-based products, it must apply the same approach to language throughout the supply chain for all foods and beverages. There’s a lot of updating to do, so we thought we’d kick the process off with a few suggestions:

  • Corned beef will be renamed nitrate-preserved beef since there’s nothing corny about it.

  • Eye of the Round (eminently eyeless) can just be called tenderloin-but-not-as-tender.

  • Goat milk, which is not officially “milk” since it isn’t the “lacteal secretion, practically free from colostrum, obtained by the complete milking of one or more healthy cows” will be appropriately labeled as goat lacteal secretion.

  • Cocoa butter is now fermented theobroma fat.

  • Cream of tartar—shamelessly dairy free—will go down in the recipe books as potassium acid salt of tartaric acid. (Don’t your biscuits taste more honest now?)

  • Obviously, supermarkets can no longer sell Buffalo sauce. Henceforth, it’s Modified Hot Sauce.

  • This spring, don’t think about purchasing Swedish Fish or Cadbury Creme Eggs for your family. Be on the lookout for Elongated Red Gummy Candies with Protruding Triangles and Chocolate Ovoids Filled with White and Yellow Fondant.

Thank goodness we’ve cleared that up! It’s just a start, but we feel we’re on our way to a much less overwhelming supermarket experience for consumers across the United States.

Happy First 24 Hours of the Fourth Month in the Gregorian Calendar Day! Here’s to eschewing consumer confusion. 

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